Hot December changes Santa’s plans

by Our North Pole Correspondent

The ice and snow are all around us here at the North Pole, as an army of logistical elves finalises plans for their boss to deliver an expected five billion presents in less than a month’s time. However, the heat set to hit the southern hemisphere this summer has prompted some changes, both to Saint Nick’s attire and to his new sleigh.

“It was time for a change in the transport department, especially seeing as the reindeer really feel the hot summer nights down in New Zealand and Australia,” says Mr Claus. For some added boost, Santa has had his traditional big red sleigh overhauled, using a body kit inspired by drift racing cars and new engines, which harness the power of the ‘naughty and nice’ list itself. When asked about a top speed, Santa just gave a wink and said: “We won’t be lending it to Mr Clarkson to find out, but let’s just say it makes Elon’s new toys look like a wooden train set.”

“We all know that knowledge is power, and this list contains literally billions of hours of real-time knowledge about who has been on their best behaviour coming up to Christmas. As I go through deliveries, the Elfmatic 5000 turns that knowledge into clean energy, while at the same time erasing the information. We don’t want the list being leaked online! People might find out that a certain celebrity chef won’t eat his vegetables, for example.

Oops! Said too much!”

Santa is also modifying his classic suit to beat the summer heat here in New Zealand. The latest creation from his tailors contains 330 metres of cooling tubes, pumping super-chilled liquid through everything from his hat to his boots. That allows the Man in Red to keep his iconic look while working hard on the night of the 24th when temperatures can hit the high 20s. The call is out for kids and parents to leave a cool, refreshing drink out for Santa this year.

While Mrs Claus has cautioned him not to overindulge in cake, he says that he can be forgiven a few calories, considering he’s going to climb up and down a total of 89,000 kilometres worth of chimneys in 12 hours.